Compassion, Love and Reality Checks - A conversation on Mental Illness and Suicide

By Barbara Louise Davis

    As a person who has survived the suicides of my mother, spouse and an uncle, news of Robin William’s death reminded me of the guilt, confusion, anger and compassion I felt in those times. It took years to get to the compassion, and longer to lose the feelings of blame. Some of this happened through therapy; some as a result of working with CAL’s consumers with mental and physical disabilities over the last 30 years. Lessons I have learned are shared below:

Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

    I’m not ashamed of having depression and PTSD.  I’ve taught my son not to be ashamed of mental illness, and to seek treatment when or if needed. Sadly, not everyone feels this way. There is still a lot of stigma attached to mental illness, which causes some not to seek treatment. We need to open our minds and have dialogs with our children and others in order to lessen this stigma.

Budget cuts make getting help difficult.

    Services to those who are poor and/or living with a physical or mental disability are usually first to be cut. A relative is currently trying his best to get services for mental illness, only to have doors shut in his face constantly due to lack of funding,  The frustration he is experiencing as he seeks help is worsening his condition. Sadly, in my years of working with individuals who are mentally ill, I have seen this often.

Love isn’t always enough.

    Robin William’s daughter expressed the thought that she would never understand why, when he was so loved, he couldn’t stay. For many years I felt this way about my mother. She too, was much-beloved. I also wondered why she didn’t love us enough to stay. It took me years to understand that she probably lived as long as she did because she was so much loved. I now understand, too, that she loved us all very much. Unfortunately, there came a time when the emotional pain was so overwhelming it over-rode all rational thought and made it impossible for her to think about anything but ending the pain.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

    Sometimes we grow frustrated trying to get a mentally ill individual to take medications, seek therapy, hospitalization, or join a support group. People can be quick to pass harsh judgments on those who don’t do what needs to be done to “get better.” In truth, mental illness can render a person physically debilitated. There are fears of financial burdens, of being overwhelmed by paperwork, “telephone tag”, the general run-around that can accompany a quest for services, and being stigmatized by others. We can help by being patient and encouraging, by offering help with some of the phone calls and paperwork if needed, and by refraining from showing annoyance or frustration if the individual isn’t acting as quickly as we would like. We should realize that, as a psychiatrist once said to me, “The only suicide we can prevent is our own.” I share this not to discourage one from doing whatever can be done to get the person help, but so that survivors can understand they did not fail, and are not to blame. There is only so much we can do; the rest is up to the person with mental illness.

Should Hidden Disabilities Be On Your ID?

(Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/psit/2247782231/)

- by Barbara Davis -

While searching through the Fox News website yesterday, I found an article about attempts by Georgia legislators to make it possible for people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to voluntarily have this diagnosis placed on their driver’s license. The reasoning behind it is to ensure the safety of officers who pull people over: supposedly the PTSD designation on the license will prepare the officer in the event of violent or unexpected behavior.

My first reaction to the article was, “Who would voluntarily have this diagnosis on their license, and why would they?” My second reaction was that if the purpose of the PTSD diagnosis on the license is to prepare officers for the unexpected, wouldn’t it be a little late by the time they got close enough to the person to look at the license? Thirdly, I tried to think of an upside to voluntarily having this diagnosis on a license, and couldn’t think of a single one. I could, however, think of quite a few downsides.

I once had a driver’s license in the state of Florida. It was a restricted license. The two restrictions were that I must wear hearing aids at all times, and that I must wear eye glasses at all times. These seem like innocent enough statements on a license, but the reactions the first one evoked made me glad to move to a state that left those restrictions off.

I can still remember how the scenario usually went when asked to show ID in those Florida days. I would walk into a bar/restaurant and be greeted in a tone of voice adults reserve for other adults. Once the host/hostess saw my license, I was suddenly talked to like I was in kindergarten and couldn’t find my way home. He/she would also address me in a very loud voice. This distorted the person’s lip movements and made it impossible for me to understand what was being said. I always ended up feeling frustrated, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Needless to say, it put quite a damper on any fun I was planning to have.

If I got this kind of reaction with a hearing loss reveal on the license, I can only imagine what a PTSD reveal could do. I can picture being asked to leave, or being constantly scrutinized in case my behavior became erratic. I can also imagine that a bartender would be reluctant to serve me alcohol due to misconceptions about this disability.

In a world where we have to show ID for nearly everything, life could get really complicated if a PTSD diagnosis was listed on my license. I don’t want to think about the kind of reaction I would get if I tried to board an airplane, apply for admission to a college or university, or attend a meeting in a school, hospital or elsewhere. Plus, in my job search, I would automatically reveal my disability on the job, since I would have to show ID once hired.

I can understand first responders wanting to protect themselves from potentially dangerous situations. But it seems to me it would be much more effective to become educated about PTSD, and to always be prepared to deal with the unexpected, no matter what the circumstances. Asking people to voluntarily disclose a disability on their driver’s license is not only ineffective, it can potentially cause all kinds of problems for the person with a disability.