Compassion, Love and Reality Checks - A conversation on Mental Illness and Suicide

By Barbara Louise Davis

    As a person who has survived the suicides of my mother, spouse and an uncle, news of Robin William’s death reminded me of the guilt, confusion, anger and compassion I felt in those times. It took years to get to the compassion, and longer to lose the feelings of blame. Some of this happened through therapy; some as a result of working with CAL’s consumers with mental and physical disabilities over the last 30 years. Lessons I have learned are shared below:

Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.

    I’m not ashamed of having depression and PTSD.  I’ve taught my son not to be ashamed of mental illness, and to seek treatment when or if needed. Sadly, not everyone feels this way. There is still a lot of stigma attached to mental illness, which causes some not to seek treatment. We need to open our minds and have dialogs with our children and others in order to lessen this stigma.

Budget cuts make getting help difficult.

    Services to those who are poor and/or living with a physical or mental disability are usually first to be cut. A relative is currently trying his best to get services for mental illness, only to have doors shut in his face constantly due to lack of funding,  The frustration he is experiencing as he seeks help is worsening his condition. Sadly, in my years of working with individuals who are mentally ill, I have seen this often.

Love isn’t always enough.

    Robin William’s daughter expressed the thought that she would never understand why, when he was so loved, he couldn’t stay. For many years I felt this way about my mother. She too, was much-beloved. I also wondered why she didn’t love us enough to stay. It took me years to understand that she probably lived as long as she did because she was so much loved. I now understand, too, that she loved us all very much. Unfortunately, there came a time when the emotional pain was so overwhelming it over-rode all rational thought and made it impossible for her to think about anything but ending the pain.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

    Sometimes we grow frustrated trying to get a mentally ill individual to take medications, seek therapy, hospitalization, or join a support group. People can be quick to pass harsh judgments on those who don’t do what needs to be done to “get better.” In truth, mental illness can render a person physically debilitated. There are fears of financial burdens, of being overwhelmed by paperwork, “telephone tag”, the general run-around that can accompany a quest for services, and being stigmatized by others. We can help by being patient and encouraging, by offering help with some of the phone calls and paperwork if needed, and by refraining from showing annoyance or frustration if the individual isn’t acting as quickly as we would like. We should realize that, as a psychiatrist once said to me, “The only suicide we can prevent is our own.” I share this not to discourage one from doing whatever can be done to get the person help, but so that survivors can understand they did not fail, and are not to blame. There is only so much we can do; the rest is up to the person with mental illness.

What We Need from Our Allies

Allies

Allies are people who consider themselves to be not disabled and who want to help us to achieve our liberation ourselves and not on our behalf. A special group of allies are the parents, children, friends, lovers, and spouses of people with disabilities who themselves suffer much of the oppression by "connection." Also our allies are people who have chosen a professional interest in disability. Historically some of these people have been put into roles, which are oppressive to us. This does not negate their alliance or potential alliance. Our natural allies include all members of other oppressed groups.

What We Need from Our Allies

1. We need people who consider themselves non-disabled to explore their feelings about their bodies, (the ways they learn and think differently), their experiences of being ill, of being made to feel "different" in any way, of their reactions to people with disabilities, and of their fear of becoming physically less able themselves.

 2. We need listening while we express our hopelessness, pain and frustrations. (Only when we have thoroughly discharged these feelings will we be able to move successfully to a thorough celebration of ourselves and our lives.)

*Remember that the expression of feelings is not the "hurt", it is simply the expression of the hurt. We have all felt hurt and never showed it to anyone. Part of humans' natural healing ability is expressing feelings to another who listens with respect and patience, not needing to "fix" us or hurry us off our feelings. It is a powerful gift to let someone be honest about how they are feeling without judgment, in confidence, knowing the sharing is the healing. 

3. We need our internalized oppression interrupted. This may mean recognizing it when we do not.

*(Interrupt us if we speak degrading about ourselves or expect too little accommodation for our disabilities. Remind us that it is the oppression talking or preventing us from taking action. Encourage us to "act outside the oppression" by speaking well about ourselves and each other, by acting boldly and powerfully, by taking ourselves seriously.) 

4. We need support to love and encourage each other to tackle our own goals, ideas, and dreams; i.e., our counselors, family, and friends must not collude with any patterned divisiveness between us or act on their own feelings of being "left out."

5. We need to be touched lovingly and with awareness in order to contradict the massive invalidations we have been given of our bodies.

6. We need to have the highest expectations made of us.

7. We need to have our allies join with us in our demand to be included in all events which at present means solving the problem of access (for example):

A. By making all venues accessible to people with mobility-impairments;

B. By the provision of sign-language interpreters whenever necessary;

C. By making literature and important information available to people with visual disabilities; and

D. By not wearing strongly scented perfumes, deodorants, hair sprays, after- shave, etc.

Liberation 

Our liberation will require the challenging of all facets of our oppression, and in particular the resulting internalized oppression, i.e., coming together, noticing how we feel about it and expressing that to others; and overcoming any divisiveness between us; recognizing the cause of our mistreatment as oppression; recognizing our right to exist, to have feelings, to be loved and to love; to participate fully in society and particularly in controlling our own lives, making allies and being allies to all other oppressed groups.

- Excerpt Taken from Arizona Bridges for Indepenent Living (ABIL) Peer Mentor Training Manual